Please... No More Rock Stars!

Let me cut to the chase: I'm so sick and tired of seeing people advertising for software developers and using nouns to describe these future employees as something they are not.

As a possible candidate for this position, here's why I don't match what you're hiring...

I'm not a rock star. I don't have any recording deals, and I don't have groupies. More importantly, I don't turn around and leave you in the lurch at crunch time because I would rather do something shady at the hotel when I'm meant to be wowing the fans.

I'm not a ninja. For one I have very little martial arts training. More importantly, I don't come in in the middle of the night and drastically upset things so that when you come back the next morning you wonder "what the hell just happened?!?"

Finally, I'm not Chunk Norris (yes, I just saw this advertised!) I don't think I have to actually say anything about this but I'll tell you what... well, I'm not Chuck Norris.


I get it's all about advertising and marketing and all that crap but as far as I'm concerned, you're trying to impress the wrong people! Software engineers aren't about showmanship. We're not about trying to seem hip and happening and all that. We're about getting it done and doing it well.

I also get that there are some instances when you need what may be defined as a rock star. However, if you're not planning on paying that person a heap of money to always be on the road at conferences, selling your brand subconsciously, then I think you're doing it wrong. Alternatively, maybe, a rock star is someone you're hiring because you're hiring that person... in which case, you're not really going to advertise for them!

As far as I'm concerned, there aren't many people that look at an advertised position and think to themselves "you know what? I am a rock star!". As far as I'm concerned, the people that look at your ad and get their ego stroked that way are exactly the kinds of people you shouldn't want to hire.

Stop please. For my sake. Stop stroking the wrong peoples' egos and stop making yourself look like you're more about marketing than you are about development.

Please?

Where's Lad Vampire and Muguito When You Need Them?

Another week, another call from "Windows IT Support" trying to get me to download some malware. I do my best to keep them on the line for a few minutes at least, but all it does is upset me, which leads to me calling them names and then fuming for a bit :)

Artists Against 419 is an awesome site that maintains a database of fake bank sites. Along with actively reaching out to the hosting companies etc., trying to get them to take the sites offline, they also used to have an application called Lad Vampire that was (I believe) replaced by another application called Muguito. These applications participated in what were called "virtual sit-ins". Basically they continually downloaded images and so on from the websites, helping to diminish the available bandwidth to the site and therefore making it less likely that a victim will actually be able to use it.

Some people may call it a DDoS, and to be perfectly honest, I might too. It didn't stop me running it though.

After my last call with "random IT support company" I wondered: at some point in the process of them 'helping' you, there must be something downloaded from somewhere. I'm not talking about the remote access software, but the malware that is intended to run in the background.

So where is the list of the servers that are hosting these files and where's the tool to continually download them? Unfortunately I'll never have the self control to get far enough into one of those calls to find out, but I tell you right now: if there's one use of my fibre-op connection I could get behind, it's downloading that malware as often and as quickly as possible.

For what it's worth, I know that random three letter acronym agencies are trying to deal with these companies, but in the meantime, surely there's something else we can collectively do?

Medium vs Regular?

"Run Lola Run" is an awesome movie. It's one of very few films I've seen more than once at the cinema. It's definitely the only one I've seen 5 times in one week.

The funny thing is, of all of that movie going, only one thing sticks out in my mind: my "discussion" with the owner of the place.

Firstly, understand that this was not at some mega-chain-cinemaplex... it was a small, privately run place. The owner was known to be quite self righteous and the only being more important than her was her little dog, that used to walk around the place and snarl at anyone it didn't like. Secondly, being in Australia, know that there are a certain number of people that dislike any form of Americanisms.

Anyway, it was the middle of the movie and I was sorely in need of a refreshment. I briskly walked to the counter and asked the person behind it for "a regular Coke". Note that the cashier behind the counter was not the owner... the owner was at the other side of the foyer at this time.

Apparently my request got the owner riled up, as not a split second after I asked for this "regular Coke", she called out (no doubt over the head of the dog but still down her own nose) "Regular? What size is regular? In Australia, we only have small, medium and large... I have no idea what size you are asking for".

A lot of the time I ignore this kind of useless banter. Other times, I bite. This was one of those times.

I looked at her in disbelief and said "firstly, it doesn't matter if you know what size it is, as I wasn't asking you for it. Secondly, regular would be whatever size is most regularly ordered here... I also don't know what size regular is, as I don't know what size is ordered most, but that's the size I want. I want whatever size is most regularly ordered."

The short "fine then" meant that I was free to continue the transaction apparently.

The best part of the whole interaction was the look on the cashier's face as they tried to stop laughing at their boss.


Every now and again I am reminded of this discussion, generally when I hear one of two phrases... both of which are relatively common in the software industry. The first is any reference to the Robustness Principle ("Be conservative in what you send, liberal in what you accept"). The second thing I hear a lot that reminds me of this incident, of course, is "Shut up and take my money".

Anyway, it only slightly soured the night. Thankfully, I had the rest of "Run Lola Run" to make up for it...

Will the PHP Community Ever Drop the "Silly n00b" Presumption?

A long, long time ago, I learned my first scripting language: Perl. Admittedly, I wasn't doing any database interactions and to be honest the code wasn't entirely complex (it was a basic user management system with access to different data sets depending on account information).

I wouldn't say that I asked a lot of questions, but I definitely *read* a lot of them and not once can I remember anyone basically answering a question by just pointing out an insecurity in the original posters' question.

Cut now to my current web language of choice: PHP. It seems as though more often than not, one of the first answers to a question online is pointing out the security issues with the question, and a lot of the time, the original question isn't even being answered!

Time and time again, "SQL injection!" or some such stuff is the answer, even when the question had nothing to do with it. It's repetitive and to be completely honest, a little boring now. I almost feel as though Person A got hit with one of these replies once and so now they feel as though they have to pass on the 'love' to Person B.

I don't know what it is that's causing this... there's just too many variables. Is it just a sign of the times? I don't know: I don't spend much time in other language support fields. Is it just because I wasn't aware of these types of replies before? Again, I don't know. Maybe it's just me being a cranky old man looking back on the good old days. Maybe, too, Perl went through these growing pains and I was just fortunate enough to be on the other side of them.

I will go out on a limb, though, and guess it's a combination of two things: 1) the gamification of questions and answers; and 2) the increase in people teaching themselves to code.

Not that either of these things are a problem in and of themselves. Having said that, sites like stackoverflow.com have really made it worthwhile to try and get in and get some upvotes and I hate to say it, but the PHP section of that site is looking less and less usable to me every day. At the same time, more and more people are learning to code in a 'non-professional' environment. Again, this isn't a bad thing, however I get the feeling that these basic security issues seem to have been missed the first time over when people teach themselves so to them, it's amazingly impressive to be able to find these issues with someone elses code, to the point where the answer to the actual question doesn't matter as much as this.

Maybe I'm just tired, but I just feel as though at some point, the PHP community as a whole needs to get over this whole thing about "commenting on security problems is my number one concern, even if I can't answer the original question"... it just isn't helping anyone.

Don't get me wrong: a good, correct answer is fantastic, even if there's an aside of "BTW, SQL injection!" but please, that's not always the answer!